saw tron

It was a pretty good movie... i had fun but i fucked up...on the way home, ken attempted to open up a bit and i snapped at him. I dont know how else i was supposed to take it..he was talking about how everything is stressful, dee and her mom, me and his relationship..the house, his job...and so i said,go ahead and say hi, your stupid bitch is the onlt thing you got going that is right...so he got mad...but he was talking about how much we suck but all he can do is fight to see her so bad because she makes him happy...whatever...hope she dies...

I should have procrastinated and let it go...i have to remember to bite my tongue and just be quiet... pisses me off.. why do i have tobe the one who has to be unhappy....i dont get it...

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tuesday

So yesterday, when ken asked me when dinner was, i polietly said it wasnt my night and he didnt get mad, he was like "ok"...i did clean the kitchen a bit but i like doing that, so thats ok.

Today i get to see alex..yay! I miss her so it will be good to see her.

Overall, its been a pretty good week...he did say that he would limit his contact with her to every two weeks, which helps.i thanked him/for that...but he also throws in "until you get better"...now how is that incentive for me to get better? Sometimes he makes me wonder.

So over the next few weeks,i am going to procrastinate with dealing with all of this crap...and try to have some fun and enjoy myself.. cant be mad all the time,right?

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thursday again

Well..its thursday again...trying to keep it together...had a pretty good week and so im gonna keep my end of the bargain, its been nice hanging around with him.. i really do miss him

I dont know why i am so resistant..its kinda stupid when you think about it...silly really...but i dont want her around....drives me crazy when i thiink about it... i just want to feel safe and secure again like i used to...i hate not feeling safe...

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another week

Went to the therapist yesterday... had a break down...i guess itn is all making sense...i am the one with the problems...i do not see myself as worthy and only see myself as disposible. Its true,/i do. But i have never really had anyone who saw me as worthy - i was only good to them if i served a purpose and if i was not useful, then i wasno longer needed.

I guess that it is the reason why i am having such a problem with the pig's skank. I see her as serving a purpose and me being thrown to the wayside even if thats not true. She is nothing but it still scares me... not sure why...

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new plan

So, me and ken have decided to try something different. He is still seeing the skank and has resumed sleeping with her. We talked about what i need and how all of this is affecting our relationship.

We decided that he is going to message me more often and help around the house more. I am tired of being the sole person responsible for all of the cleaning. So thats going well - he has been helping and he fixed the dishwasher.

Tomorrow, we are supposed to go to the range and he is going to teach me how to shoot. Im scared but looking forward to it. I do want some outside activities we can do together instead of just sitting at the house or going to the store.. he also said we could do a late night one of these days..

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test

test

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Be a friend

I am willing to be a friend. In order to do this, I first need to reel in my emotional responses and learn how to listen. I took a class on active listening and I realized that I have not been listening to my partner – not really listening anyway. My own filters and fears have prevented me from being the girlfriend I want to be. I have learned that I do not have to voice every emotion I have and that waiting to see how things play out helps me see that my input leads to a bad reaction instead of what is there. I need to seriously work on rebuilding that trust with him so he can talk to me again. I am making a promise to never be a grave digger and rehash things from the past and use what he has told me as ammunition against him. I have to be honest and dependable with this vow and not go back on my word – even to myself.

Relationship definitions

This week I have been assigned to evaluate what a relationship means to me. We thought it might be best to come up with some sort of contract that puts down expectations on paper so that everyone knows what to expect and what is expected of them. this way there won't be any "I only said/did that because I felt pressured and now it's all different." This is one my my fears, that all of this is just to get me to where I don't give a damn and then all bets are off.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Who-Am-I-Meant-to-Be

YOU ARE STRIVING TO BE SECURE


You are a stabilizer: You are the rock in a storm, the one others lean on. Loyal and com-mitted in your relationships, you maintain a support system of like-minded people whom you look out for. (So what if you do it behind the scenes and don't get credit?) You're careful with money, cherish the familiar, and defend the traditions you care about.



What to watch out for: Rapidly changing environments (like a shaky economy) are very hard for you. As a result of such instability, you can spiral into a state where everything seems catastrophic and you're sure life will only get worse. You can also become overcontrolling, rejecting any suggestion that doesn't conform to your idea of the way things should be. To avoid being too rigid, each month try changing one habit. Exper-iment with clothes, drive a different way to work, initiate conversations about subjects you wouldn't normally discuss. And when the opportunity arises to do something new, avoid the impulse to immediately say no—this may be nerve-racking, but the more you practice, the less anxious you'll feel.

Go with the flow

http://zenhabits.net/12-practical-steps-for-learning-to-go-with-the-flow/

Sometimes things are the way they are.

Yesterday I worked on "letting things be", "go with the flow" it was the day after the Pig's date, and usually these days send me into some sort of self-defeating frenzy. As I have been working with new ideas and my CBT exercises, I decided to try to see what would happen if I changed my behavior on these days.
I am still scared of what is going to happen, so I spent a lot of time yesterday with the rapid heartbeat and the butterflies in my stomach feeling.


The website mentioned above has some great tips that helped me with this new behavior strategy. It is an easy concept… just go with the flow... let things be. Nevertheless, why was it so hard for me? As I continued to think about it, I realized I have never been able to "go with the flow" in anything in my life. The black and white thinking has a lot to do with my lack of this skill because either it was good or it was bad. By this, I mean, going with the flow means being acceptable to change. I am resistant to change because stepping out of my comfort zone is uncomfortable for me. My comfort zone revolves around my ability to control everything. If I was unable to control a certain situation, I became erratic and did not know what to do.

Somewhere I Belong

Somewhere I Belong


When this began
I had nothing to say
And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me

I was confused

And I let it all out to find / that I'm
Not the only person with these things in mind

Inside of me

things to research when i get home

http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/let-go-of-the-past/

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http://www.suite101.com/article.cfm/self_empowerment/69308/1



http://www.suite101.com/articles.cfm/self_empowerment


"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference." ~The Serenity Prayer

"We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us." ~Joseph Campbell, Author



http://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2007/10/03/how-do-i-learn-to-let-things-go/


http://zenhabits.net/12-practical-steps-for-learning-to-go-with-the-flow/

STOPP!!

One of the tools I am learning about is called “STOPP” (I found a worksheet on www.getselfhelp.co.uk )

S is for Stop – step back from the situation, in your mind

T is for Take a breath – breathe slowly once or twice – feel the air go in your nose and into your lungs and back out

O is for Observe – what is happening? What am I reacting to? What am feeling and what am I thinking? What do I hear in my mind? What words describe my feelings? What physical sensations am I noticing in my body? Where is my focus and attention right now?

P is for Pull back and put into perspective – is there another way to view this situation? How important is this right now? How important will it be in 6 months? What advice would I give to someone in this situation? Is my action proportional to the actual event? What are the consequences of my actions?

P is for Practice what works – what can I do to be most helpful. What is the best thing for me to do for me and for others in this situation?

An application in realistic thinking

As I write this I am having anxious thoughts. I had a beautiful weekend and spend a lot of time relaxing and feeling all special. It was the most fantastic weekend I have had in a long time. I know that my Pig wants me to be all better and that this weekend fixed all of my problems and I shouldn’t be having issues anymore. The problem is that I still am.

Now, I am not sure if I am feeling like a failure because I am not “fixed” or if my feelings are just reactions to other thoughts I am having.
Realistically speaking, I know I cannot be “cured” overnight. I realize it takes weeks and perhaps months or years to change a thought pattern. It is not realistic to expect to change after one weekend and its not realistic for me to think that the Pig is thinking or expecting me to be better after one weekend.

What am I thinking right now?

Realistic Thinking

One of the tools used to overcome perfectionist thinking is realistic thinking. This is learning expectations that are more realistic instead of self-critical goals that I cannot possibly achieve. It is like the old saying "Do the best you can!" my thought was always, why do my best when I can do better. In the example of my job, I have accepted the fact that she will do more than I will and there is nothing I can do about it. I have to accept that. As hard as it may be, it is just something I have to do. One of the things I have learned about acceptance is that I do not have to agree with it and I do not have to like it but if there is not anything I can do about it, just let it go. Now, the key to all of this is repetition – if you say it to yourself enough times, you will start to believe it. Another thought is that the more realistic thoughts in your head, they crowd out the negative thoughts.

Realistic thinking takes into consideration all aspects of any given situation, not just the bad or scary aspects, before drawing a conclusion. It means being fair to the situations in your life and looking at the positive, negative and middle-of-the-road parts of the whole picture. There is a saying "The devil is in the details," I am bogged down into little details which cloud the whole picture. For example, there are certain people who haunt the outlaying areas of my life. I have no use for these people and I find them to be idiots. Nothing they can ever say or do will change my thoughts about them. They can cure cancer and I would still not talk to them. That one thought, "They are idiots" has clouded every interaction and every thought I have about them. I am not being fair or realistic of my judgment of these people, as they really have done nothing to me.

Chronic procrastination

Today as I was mulling over the issues I was examining yesterday, I did a little more research into black and white thinking and perfectionist thinking. Today I used phrases such as "I am dying over here" I was not really dying but exaggerating what I meant. What I meant was that I was a little tired and bored. As I learn to recognize my perfectionism, I read about a few behaviors that are a flag for this type of behavior.

• 
  
  Chronic procrastination and giving up easily ,

I do procrastinate and give up easily when a task becomes difficult or I feel I am failing at it. The piano lessons are a good example of how this behavior displayed itself in my childhood. As I thought about it – in adulthood – it is not that I give up easily, I do not try at all. I do not engage on activities that "other people do." For example, I want to learn how to sew – I have a friend who sews and she is quite talented at it. I used to think that if I started to learn how to sew, she would be angry that I wanted to learn. I felt that she would resent my wanting to learn as "an attempt to copy her" when I just wanted to make a cool skirt. I thought about that a lot and found out that I avoid activates that "other" people do and only seek out activates that I can do alone. Some of the thoughts I have are "I suck at this" and "why did I ever try to do this when I am so bad at it?" what never occurred to me is that EVERYONE sucks at an activity when they first start. (Unless we are talking about child prodigies or Beethoven who just "pop out" excelling I certain fields) The more I thought about it, the more I realized that "normal" people get excited when someone wants to share an interest with them. They get excited that they someone is interested in learning what they know and they can offer help and advice on how to tackle a difficult task or problem. They do not feel upset that someone is trying to "copy" them or take away from some imagined spotlight. I live in an imagined spotlight and this is a major breakthrough for me.

Distortions in perception: Black and white thinking

I mentioned in my previous post the distortion of "Black and white thinking" this is a way that my brain can justify itself through distorting reality to fit its own needs. My brain wants to distort evidence contrary to what it wants to believe. Normally, these distortions can be overcome by admitting we are wrong and learning from our mistakes. However, this is not true in my case – my brain latches onto these distortions and creates a completely new reality using them. This is what I am struggling to overcome. This week I am working on absolutes or "black and white thinking." While many of these distortions work together to create a fantasy world filled with suffering, to tackle them all at once is too overwhelming for me to even consider. Even when climbing Mt. Everest, you go up a little bit and come down and then do that a couple of times, then go up a little more and come back down and do that a couple of times. Doing it all at once is dangerous and the body would not be able to adjust to the changing climate. That is how I am looking at this adventure – a little at a time... changing my thinking gradually and giving my mind time to adjust.

For the record, I am a crazy person who is learning how to change my life for the better. I am not qualified in any way to help, counsel, or advise anyone. Please do not take my journey as a replacement for any medical care – either physical or mental. The crazy should not lead the crazy!

He wants me, he wants me not!

One of the issues I am having is i am having problems spending time with my boyfriend because of this other woman. I don’t feel wanted and I feel like I am in the way. This is an irrational thought and I know that but for some reason I cannot shake the feeling. I have become withdrawn and spend more time alone. I have given away my time with him because I feel he would rather spend his time with her.

Some of the evidence I have gathered is:

· He gets angry when I push him away – he really wants to spend time with me
· He continues to buy me gifts
· He asks me out to dinner
· He hugs me and kisses me
· He meets my needs financially and continues to care for me
· He wants to spend my birthday with me
· He still smiles at me even though we fight
· He messages me at least once a day even though he doesn’t have to
· He is the one who brought up therapy and wanted to go so we could stay together

Getting down to the core

Today was very interesting, to say the least, while I was late for my appointment because my doctor went to an hourly schedule and I was unaware. If I knew, I didn't write it down. I can't do anything about it now. Isn't that what all this is about – learning to live in the NOW and not worry about the past or present. Today we worked on different strategies to get to the "Core beliefs." One of my problems is that I have a warped sense of what I believe to be true. This is not to say that a lot of people have a warped view of reality – most people do but mine is really irrational. I am working on deciphering between rational and irrational thoughts based on evidence gathered within my realm of thought. For example: let's say my boyfriend is sitting on the couch next to me and doesn't say anything – my mind might interpret that to mean he doesn't like me or doesn't want to be with me when in reality – he might just be interested in the show we are watching. By gathering evidence, I can determine my thought is irrational – Did he say anything bad to me? Did he say he didn't want to be with me? Is he sitting next to me instead of in front of his computer or playing video games? Based on the evidence I collect, I can determine that my thought is irrational and I shouldn't be thinking those thoughts.
Today we talked about these core beliefs and how to get to them. In my journal writing, I have been asking myself 4 questions to help sort out my thoughts and learn how to gather evidence for or against them. And those are:

Doctor

Today I have an appointment with the therapist. I have been having a shitty week and it's only Monday - go figure. My boyfriend hasn't spent the night at my house in over a week - I keep pushing him away. The funny thing is i don't know why - I really want to be held and kissed and all that stuff but I can't help think that I am just a stand-in for what he really wants. So what, you say, get yours and move on. I wish i could but i feel like that would be using him and i don't want to feel like that - i want a partner in my life - not just someone to sleep with. that would make him no more than just a booty call. i am over booty calls at this stage in my life.

I guess i will just go to my appointment and let it be what it is and discuss whatever comes up. i am hoping to get some insight on how to start to let this crap go and learn to purge the emotions that are held so deep inside of me. I'll keep posting and trying to work through all of this.

Life on the farm...

I started on this path because I have been having several issues in my life recently. I am turning 40 soon; my kids have all grown up and left the nest, relationship issues, severe depression, abandonment issues and a lot of fear and anxiety. My life is not where I want it to be and I am not happy. I started therapy and have been trying to figure out how to cope with life and deal with my issues. This has not been easy. I am still having problems return as I work through them.

 My life is kind of an oxymoron at the moment; I have a boyfriend (we shall keep with the farmyard theme here and call him "pig") Not to be sexist or anything n- come on, I am calling myself a "cow!" Anyway, my relationship is a little strange in that it is not monogamous. I have been in this relationship for a long time and while it has been working, some recent developments have shaken the foundation and increased my fear and anxiety. Namely a new person has recently come into my boyfriend's life and it has rocked my little farm to its breaking point. It shouldn't…but it has.

What is an "Unhappy cow"?

Hello, welcome to my journey. I am an unhappy cow, I recently embarked upon the journey of self-improvement and writing about it is supposed to help. Sharing my thoughts might help someone else on the same path or it might not - who is to say? I wanted to track my progress and work things out so that I may reflect on them. This is a daily struggle and perhaps barring my soul will help me work through my problems.

I have found a lot of help through the UrbanMonk.net blog and hope everyone reads it as it has a lot of good information in it that can help everyone love themselves and the world just a little bit more.

Thank you for taking the time to ride along with me. I hope we can find greener pastures along the way.