Relationship definitions

This week I have been assigned to evaluate what a relationship means to me. We thought it might be best to come up with some sort of contract that puts down expectations on paper so that everyone knows what to expect and what is expected of them. this way there won't be any "I only said/did that because I felt pressured and now it's all different." This is one my my fears, that all of this is just to get me to where I don't give a damn and then all bets are off.


As I thought about what a relationship is, I started to thimk about what a relationship is not. As I continued to thunk about it, I realized that the only relationships I have known were all bad. They were one sided and I was only desired as long as I was useful. When I stopped being useful, I was no longer needed. I don't want to be in a relationship like that. I am not sure if I can define what it is by stating what it is not, but it's a start.

Someone once said that insanity is doing the same thing over and over hoping to have a different outcome. This is a chance to have something different and perhaps even happiness. Where to start? I guess I started this week by putting the Pig's happiness above my need to bitch and nag. Things have been better even if my anxiety is still there and sometimes it is overwhelming. I have been dealing with it as it comes and things have been better at home. We started cooking dinner again and spending more time as a family.


As I continue to ride out my emotional roller coaster, I keep hoping that things will get better or at least go back to the way they were. Is this insanity? Why do I want things to go back to the way they were when I can make them better. The Pig said "You can have everything you want if you just come and get it." Perhaps he is right and the only thing holding me back is me. This brings me back to the main question – what is it that I want? What do I want in a relationship? what do I want to provide in a relationship?
I guess the first thing I need to explore is – what am I willing to do in my relationship?