One of the tools used to overcome perfectionist thinking is realistic thinking. This is learning expectations that are more realistic instead of self-critical goals that I cannot possibly achieve. It is like the old saying "Do the best you can!" my thought was always, why do my best when I can do better. In the example of my job, I have accepted the fact that she will do more than I will and there is nothing I can do about it. I have to accept that. As hard as it may be, it is just something I have to do. One of the things I have learned about acceptance is that I do not have to agree with it and I do not have to like it but if there is not anything I can do about it, just let it go. Now, the key to all of this is repetition – if you say it to yourself enough times, you will start to believe it. Another thought is that the more realistic thoughts in your head, they crowd out the negative thoughts.
Realistic thinking takes into consideration all aspects of any given situation, not just the bad or scary aspects, before drawing a conclusion. It means being fair to the situations in your life and looking at the positive, negative and middle-of-the-road parts of the whole picture. There is a saying "The devil is in the details," I am bogged down into little details which cloud the whole picture. For example, there are certain people who haunt the outlaying areas of my life. I have no use for these people and I find them to be idiots. Nothing they can ever say or do will change my thoughts about them. They can cure cancer and I would still not talk to them. That one thought, "They are idiots" has clouded every interaction and every thought I have about them. I am not being fair or realistic of my judgment of these people, as they really have done nothing to me.
As I am writing this, I can feel my anxiety rising. I can feel the butterflies fluttering around in my stomach and I can feel the hotness in my chest that denotes anger. Even writing and thinking about these people has triggered a reaction. Good thing there is an exercise to work through these types of feelings:
Am I falling to a thinking trap?- Yes, I am labeling this person as "bad" or "evil" - I do not even know this person as a person – just a thought in my head, I have no idea if they are bad or evil – this person could be very nice.
- Fortune telling – I am predicting that this person will hurt me and ruin my life – realistically, this person probably is not even thinking about my life or me.
- Over-estimated danger – I am having thoughts of "doom" it feels like I am in danger and I have the "fight or flight" sensations. This person probably would not even recognize me in a crowd, nor is this person sitting outside of my house waiting for me to come out so they can run over me.
Compare and despair – this person is better than I am – why wouldn't they want to destroy my life?
What is the evidence that this thought is true?
I do not have any evidence this person is "out to get me and ruin my life"
What is the evidence that this thought is untrue?- This person has a life that does not revolve around me.
- I did not even think about this person prior to writing that paragraph. That person has not entered into my thoughts all day.
- I am not the center of the universe.
- That person has their own life, own problems, own issues from the day – none of which have to do with me.
I have never been lied to and this other person has always told the truth.
Have I confused this thought with a fact?- Yes, now I can feel the thought branching out into other thoughts. I will continue to use this same sheet to work through them as well. There are no facts that confirm that I am being lied to or that a certain person is not doing what they said they were doing.
What would I tell a friend if she was having the same thought?- Not to worry, they have always been truthful with her and its unlikely the person will start now.
- It has been an awesome day and not to let this one thought ruin everything and everyone's mood
What would a friend say about my thought?- That I should trust in this other person and know that they have never lied to me about anything. If they say they are doing something – then they are. They have no reason to lie to me as they feel they are doing nothing wrong.
- They would tell me that my thoughts are irrational and I shouldn't be thinking them
Am I 100% sure this thought will happen?- No, I cannot predict the future and the only present I know is my own. I cannot tell what another person is doing, as I am not with them.
Has it happened before? How many times?- No, never – anything this other person has told me they were doing something – they were. They have never lied to me or misled me in any way.
Is this so important that my future depends on it?- No, this will be a good evening and I have been looking forward to it. The thoughts I am having right now are not the truth.
Is my judgment based on the way I feel instead of on facts?- Yes, my thoughts are based on my feelings. There are no facts to back up what I am thinking and there is no evidence to support it. If this case were to go before a judge, I would be laughed out of court.
Am I confusing possibility with certainty?- No, there is no possibility I am being lied to or am being misled. I am merely thinking it and getting anxious over it.
Is this a hassle or a horror?- This is a complete hassle – my mood is being affected by something that is just in my head. I am not going to let a pretend thought kill my evening, which I had big plans for. I will not let this happen.
So now what? Where do I go from here? By using my realistic thinking, I can widen my view and determine the thought was no true and I should not believe it. I need to take a few deep breaths and clear my head and body of this anxiety. I have observed the evidence and they shown by a preponderance of the evidence that this thought is untrue and my lapse in judgment and trust is unfounded. When I put this thought into perspective, I find that I worked myself into a tizzy through writing and nothing in the real world. I feel somewhat silly for even thinking the thought and doubting this other person.
Awesome…this feeling has passed. I am going to go distract myself for a bit.
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