As I write this I am having anxious thoughts. I had a beautiful weekend and spend a lot of time relaxing and feeling all special. It was the most fantastic weekend I have had in a long time. I know that my Pig wants me to be all better and that this weekend fixed all of my problems and I shouldn’t be having issues anymore. The problem is that I still am.
Now, I am not sure if I am feeling like a failure because I am not “fixed” or if my feelings are just reactions to other thoughts I am having.
Realistically speaking, I know I cannot be “cured” overnight. I realize it takes weeks and perhaps months or years to change a thought pattern. It is not realistic to expect to change after one weekend and its not realistic for me to think that the Pig is thinking or expecting me to be better after one weekend.
What am I thinking right now?
I am thinking I am a failure and not a very thankful person. I just had a fantastic weekend and it was romantic and peaceful and I got to spend a couple of days feeling happy and great. I believe the Pig loves me and wants to be with me and here I am – not better. I feel like I should be better and not having these thoughts and not going back to the same old grind. I feel like I should be able to trust and have faith and be able to be ok with everything that is happening. I feel like a failure because I feel like I have let him down because I am still having the same thoughts. I am becoming scared that I will continue to mess things up this week and the Pig will stay mad at me. He won’t want to be with me because he spent a lot of money this weekend and I am ungrateful. He won’t want to go anywhere or do anything with me ever again because this is how I act.
So now, I don’t know whether to apologize for not being well or if I should ignore it and see what happens or what I should do. I don’t want to start a fight or anything.
What is making me anxious?
I am afraid the Pig will be mad at me; I am worried that everything I am doing is wrong. I don’t know what to do. I am afraid of making him mad and making things worse. I am afraid I won’t act “normal” enough and he will be mad. I am afraid of what will happen if I do say something. Worry and fear are making me anxious.
What am I worried will happen?
That he will be mad at me for the rest of the week. That I have already messed up and won’t be able to fix it. I am worried he will never want to take me anywhere because I am not automatically better. I am afraid he is going to give up on me and everything will be over and done.
Am I falling into a thinking trap?
Yes, fortune telling – I am getting worked up over something I “think” will happen. I cannot be sure what the Pig is thinking or doing or saying at this very moment. I do not know what kind of mood he will be in when he gets home. I do not know that he is mad at me and I do not know that he will not take me out again.
Should statements - I should have gotten better after this weekend; I should be alright now. It is unrealistic to think one weekend will fix all of my issues. It is unrealistic to think I would get better after one day. It takes people a long time to relearn how to think and act.
Catastrophizing – I am imagining the worst case scenario in this situation. The one in which the piggy is mad at me and stays mad at me. In reality, I cannot know what he is feeling or thinking and to assume I do, is wrong. Ken knows it takes a long time to get over the problems that I am facing. He understands that I cannot be better overnight and h is willing to wait and help me.
Black and white thinking – either he is mad at me or he is not. I am not taking into consideration the gray areas. he might have had a bad day or he might have gotten into an argument with someone at work or he might have gotten cut off on the freeway. Just because he might not be chipper when I walk in the door does not mean he is mad at me or that I am the cause of his anger.
I do not have the power to control his actions or emotions. If he is angry, there is nothing I can do about it or if he is tired, there is nothing I can do about it. I can offer him comfort and an ear but I cannot change or control how he feels or acts.
There is no factual evidence to back up my fears. I do not know he thinks I am a failure because one weekend did not fix me. I am basing my judgment on feelings instead of facts. My anxiety will not last forever and I will not feel like this forever. I am trying to improve myself and like with any beautiful work of art, it takes time.
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