One of the issues I am having is i am having problems spending time with my boyfriend because of this other woman. I don’t feel wanted and I feel like I am in the way. This is an irrational thought and I know that but for some reason I cannot shake the feeling. I have become withdrawn and spend more time alone. I have given away my time with him because I feel he would rather spend his time with her.
Some of the evidence I have gathered is:
· He gets angry when I push him away – he really wants to spend time with me
· He continues to buy me gifts
· He asks me out to dinner
· He hugs me and kisses me
· He meets my needs financially and continues to care for me
· He wants to spend my birthday with me
· He still smiles at me even though we fight
· He messages me at least once a day even though he doesn’t have to
· He is the one who brought up therapy and wanted to go so we could stay together
Even with all this evidence, I still don’t know why I push him away and continue my irrational thinking. I keep telling myself that what I think is false and there is no evidence but I still feel as if I am in the way of his happiness and in the way of his relationship. I am having a hard time believing this is just a self esteem issue. This seems to go deeper than that – I have been left before for other women and it was a really bad time in my life. A lot of bad things happened to me because of it – I lost my home and job. (He was dating someone at my place of employment) I was angry for a very long time. But why would that manifest like this where I am just giving him away? That doesn’t seem very logical – I can understand being angry but it seems I would be more apt to smother him than ignore him because of my past relationships.
I don’t know what else I can say or do to convince myself he does want me. Its like I know it in my head but something happens to the thought and it changes. It’s very frustrating because I want to be with him and like his company. Even though I don’t believe she is better than I am, but I am acting like she is. Why would I do this to myself? I keep picking fights and pushing him away and scream about how I want to feel wanted and loved. Why don’t I feel wanted and loved – he obviously cares for me and meets my physical needs. He provides for me and makes sure I have everything I need. So what is missing? What is it I feel she is getting that I am not? Or does that even matter?
Do I need more emotional attention because I fear it will go away? This is a good example of “Black and white” thinking. I see my world only in shades of black and white. He wants her so therefore he cannot want me. There is no room for both in my view of the situation. One of the ways extremely polar language makes us feel bad is that it enlarges thoughts and feelings that can make us more anxious. This is also referred to as dichotomous thinking, stemming from the noun “Dichotomy” meaning “a separation of different or contradictory things that differ widely from or contradict each other.”
Now I see I need to do some work with black and white thinking – that shall be my next post.
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