Go with the flow

http://zenhabits.net/12-practical-steps-for-learning-to-go-with-the-flow/

Sometimes things are the way they are.

Yesterday I worked on "letting things be", "go with the flow" it was the day after the Pig's date, and usually these days send me into some sort of self-defeating frenzy. As I have been working with new ideas and my CBT exercises, I decided to try to see what would happen if I changed my behavior on these days.
I am still scared of what is going to happen, so I spent a lot of time yesterday with the rapid heartbeat and the butterflies in my stomach feeling.


The website mentioned above has some great tips that helped me with this new behavior strategy. It is an easy concept… just go with the flow... let things be. Nevertheless, why was it so hard for me? As I continued to think about it, I realized I have never been able to "go with the flow" in anything in my life. The black and white thinking has a lot to do with my lack of this skill because either it was good or it was bad. By this, I mean, going with the flow means being acceptable to change. I am resistant to change because stepping out of my comfort zone is uncomfortable for me. My comfort zone revolves around my ability to control everything. If I was unable to control a certain situation, I became erratic and did not know what to do.



This was apparent in dealing with my children. As anyone with children knows, they are unpredictable and not easily controlled. When my children were younger, we lived under a highly structured environment due to work, school and other obligations we had as a family. I was a single parent who worked and went to school and ran a house. There was a time for everyone to do homework, household chores, playtime and social activities. I planned my life to death. As I look back on it, I can see the thinking patterns that have always been present in my life and always accepted as "normal."


As my children grew, there were times of great stress as with most teenagers. I was unable to control every situation and unable to control them in every situation. I knew how they were "supposed" to act and how things were "supposed" to go. When they did not go the way it should in my mind, I started to feel uncomfortable and attempted to get them to act the way I felt they should, instead of letting them be who they are.


Now, as I think about this, I want to say, "Wow, I was a bad parent." But if I apply my CBT thought process, I find this to be untrue because as I gather evidence, such as both my children have graduated high school, my oldest daughter has completed a post secondary program, is married and has a beautiful son. My youngest daughter is still figuring out her life but she is healthy and happy. My children were not teenage parents, were not involved in the legal system of any way. They are healthy and able to think on their own and able to take care of themselves. I did my job to the best of my ability and everyone has ups and downs to child rearing.


All right, let us get back on track and delve into going with the flow and stepping outside of my comfort zone and the situation this weekend. When the Pig started his other relationship, it started a chain reaction of inability to cope within me. When he went out, I did not come home – I drove around a lot, started to go to the movies and tried to distract myself from the situation instead of dealing with it. Friday was the first day in a very long time that I came home after work instead of running away. While my anxiety level was very high, my stomach was jumping around and my mind was racing, I started to work on the steps and live in the now instead of creating a reality that made me feel bad.


The first step is the biggest for me and it is to realize I cannot control everything. I desire to control everything so I know the outcomes of every situation and can plan for them. Many things are out of my control and this situation is one of them. Dreaming does not change anything and will not change the current situation. Things will be the way they are whether I like it or not. Me crying and freaking out does not prevent him from having a good time, it does not affect his evening at all, and it only affects mine. I really have no control over what he does and he will do what he wants. He is allowed to search out his own happiness as I am allowed to search out my own happiness. One thing I do have control over is how I act. Therefore, Friday, I came home and decided to have a good time with my evening. I watched some TV with my other housemates, worked on my needle felting, and ate a quizno sandwich. While I was feeling the anxiety, I did not act on it. I did not ruin everyone's evening and allowed myself to have a good time while allowing myself to feel the emotions. I kept reminding g myself that I cannot control the situation and I should just enjoy myself where I was.


Become aware. Every time I started to feel upset or angry or frustrated – I tracked it in my journal. I identified the thought patterns associated with the thought and "refereed" myself into a more positive thought. I took down many thoughts over the weekend and reminded myself I cannot change what was happening.
Breathe – I started with deep breaths and attempted to calm myself down. While it took the edge off the frustration, I still felt the butterflies in my stomach and my heart beating. I am starting to hate that feeling and I do not like feeling it at all. However, I guess the more I practice, the less I will feel it or at least that is the concept.


Get perspective. The site says to zoom out in your head like a movie. I am practicing that so that the picture becomes bigger and the problem does not seem so big or important. I need to discuss this with my counselor because I need to learn how to apply this to my personal issue. I see my problem as being there next week and it will be a problem for a long time.


Laugh – I laughed a lot – we told stories and watched some funny shows. We had a good chuckle and it was not so bad.


Realize I cannot control others. This is a big one for me. I want to control him so I feel more safe and secure. He is not doing what I want him to do and it frustrates me. It frustrates me that he will not back off and give me room. I have to realize that he is acting in his own best interest based on his own beliefs and desires. I have to accept that maybe his beliefs do not always mesh with mine, but sometimes they do. I have to learn to enjoy the times that they do and let the other times just be. He has his own life to live and he has a right to be happy with his life choices.


Enjoy life as a flow of change, chaos and beauty. I have to learn that the world is perfect as it is – it is beautiful in its chaos and uncertainty. It is not a static place and it is always changing and that is ok. I need to learn how to accept that and see it for its beauty. My relationship with the pig is always changing but it is still beautiful and I need to learn how to bring out the beauty and specialness of my chaotic relationship with the pig, Ok, took a minute to write down that I was feeling anxious and felt the wave coming on – breathe…