Distortions in perception: Black and white thinking

I mentioned in my previous post the distortion of "Black and white thinking" this is a way that my brain can justify itself through distorting reality to fit its own needs. My brain wants to distort evidence contrary to what it wants to believe. Normally, these distortions can be overcome by admitting we are wrong and learning from our mistakes. However, this is not true in my case – my brain latches onto these distortions and creates a completely new reality using them. This is what I am struggling to overcome. This week I am working on absolutes or "black and white thinking." While many of these distortions work together to create a fantasy world filled with suffering, to tackle them all at once is too overwhelming for me to even consider. Even when climbing Mt. Everest, you go up a little bit and come down and then do that a couple of times, then go up a little more and come back down and do that a couple of times. Doing it all at once is dangerous and the body would not be able to adjust to the changing climate. That is how I am looking at this adventure – a little at a time... changing my thinking gradually and giving my mind time to adjust.

For the record, I am a crazy person who is learning how to change my life for the better. I am not qualified in any way to help, counsel, or advise anyone. Please do not take my journey as a replacement for any medical care – either physical or mental. The crazy should not lead the crazy!


One of the issues I have is perfectionism. I have always had a mindset where I needed to be perfect but since no one can achieve perfection, this led to a constant struggle with my self-worth and self-esteem. Even as a child, I remember taking piano lessons with my sibling. My sibling was better than I was and because I could not be perfect – I gave it up and walked away. It was sad because I really enjoyed playing the piano and who knows what might have happened if my inflated sense of perfection did not ruin it. This led to a lifestyle choice that has haunted me ever since.

This type of behavior was reinforced when I made another wrong lifestyle choice. I got involved with a person who was less than kind; he was quite abusive – both mentally and physically. As I was being hurt, much like many abused people, I felt it was because of my imperfection that was causing me pain. I did not put the laundry away right, I did not do the dishes fast enough, I did not look good enough, I did not clean enough – if I were perfect – he would love me. Hell, at one time I even thought my breathing caused my abuse. Now that I look back on it – those thoughts were so skewed and wrong, but it shaped my thought process up until now. I have lived a life striving to be perfect and feeling worse and worse because I could not achieve it. It did not occur to me once that no one is perfect. To me, everyone else was perfect and I was the only one who was failing. I still struggle with that one.

All right, insert back to reality music here, flashback over and back on track. My whole life revolves around polar extremes. I am good or bad, I am right or wrong, I am loved or hated, I am perfect or I am not. There was never any gray in my world. The words "either/or" applied to much of my thinking and worldview. You are for us or against us. One of the things I have to work on is learning how to view the world in shades of grey. To me, grey is a boring color – it encompasses everything dull and non-eventful. Prisons are painted grey. However, this in itself is another black and white thinking pattern – it is either vibrant or lifeless. I do not think I have ever looked at the middle ground before but I am hoping with time, it will become beautiful on its own.

This type of thinking is also known as "primitive thinking" or how children think. They can have a cookie or they cannot. They can play outside or they cannot. When they do not get a cookie – it's "I NEVER get a cookie" or "You NEVER let me play outside!" Maturity is supposed to help curb this type of thinking as we learn and grow within the world. However, I do not think I ever learned it. There are some theories out there that state that abuse hampers the minds ability to grow and mature correctly. I do not know what I think about that theory.

Back to my example: my boyfriend does not want me because he wants her. I cannot know that is true and its more than likely not true just because of the nature of our relationship – but I still think it. I have been working with my therapist using CBT or Cognitive Behavior Therapy. One of the ways it is supposed to help me is to help me recognize the thoughts behind my moods and therefore change the thought – change the mood. By gathering evidence I can determine if the thought is rational or irrational and if it irrational, then I can learn not to believe it.

I can see that because I have always thought in polar opposites, I can understand why I continue to think this way. I was never taught a different way to see things. Even as I write this, I can feel my chest tighten up and the butterflies are returning to my stomach. My whole being is rejecting this new way of thinking because familiarity breeds safety. While my thought process has left me sad and alone, it has also made me safe because I have never challenged it.

The Pig has been right in many things about this issue. I am still with him and he has not dumped me or treated me any differently – other than not buying into my bullshit reality. Are those my only options or is there a middle ground? Can he be with multiple people and still love them equally? When I got involved with him, I thought so – why do I feel differently now? Can there be a middle ground? Are there alternatives I have not considered? All I know is that what I have been doing is not working for me.

More on this later….