S is for Stop – step back from the situation, in your mind
T is for Take a breath – breathe slowly once or twice – feel the air go in your nose and into your lungs and back out
O is for Observe – what is happening? What am I reacting to? What am feeling and what am I thinking? What do I hear in my mind? What words describe my feelings? What physical sensations am I noticing in my body? Where is my focus and attention right now?
P is for Pull back and put into perspective – is there another way to view this situation? How important is this right now? How important will it be in 6 months? What advice would I give to someone in this situation? Is my action proportional to the actual event? What are the consequences of my actions?
P is for Practice what works – what can I do to be most helpful. What is the best thing for me to do for me and for others in this situation?
Right now, I am having a bad reaction to a common trigger for me. It is the Friday where the Pig goes out and spends it with his other woman. This is the reason why I am now in therapy and learning all of these coping methods and re-structuralizing my thought patterns and how I view the world. This has caused me extreme grief and strife. I am dealing with feelings of guilt and failure over it because it is not happening fast enough, but we will work through that in a bit.
I had a reaction to this trigger this morning when I found out through normal conversation that there was no lunch money today. The Pig had lunch with this other woman today and in my head, it was evidence that she was more important because he could buy her lunch but we had to go hungry. Now, looking back on it, the reaction was not the best to have. I started to feel anxious and angry. I was not involved in this conversation and was nowhere around when it happened. This had nothing to do with me. While I worked on some of the strategies, I concluded that it had nothing to do with me and I was placing my perfectionist thinking onto others. “How dare he do that?” “Why doesn’t he think of me more?” these types of thoughts... all or nothing.
On the way home, I did a terrible thing; I lashed out at someone who was innocent because I had not properly dealt with my feelings from earlier in the day. It was an inappropriate reaction, one that caused this other person to become angry. So now, a feeling that didn’t even concern me in the beginning led me down a path were others are being drawn into my universe where things are not where they are supposed to be. So now, I feel silly and embarrassed because I cannot go be a part of my family evening because I am the cause of everyone’s anger. This is not what I wanted to do when I got up this morning.
I stopped, took a breath and observed my current situation. I see many things going on here and I should analyze them one at a time.
What unhelpful thinking habits are being displayed?
1.) Mental filter – I am only noticing what the filter wants me to see. Everything else is dismissed. I zoomed in on that, he did not give us lunch money and was going to take her out to lunch. What I saw was that this was evidence that she was more important than I am.
2.) Mountains and molehills – I was exaggerating the danger and minimizing the odds of how things are most likely to turn out. Realistically, had I not become angry – everything would have been fine – no one would be upset and I would probably be at the grocery store right now where I am supposed to be.
3.) Catastrophizing – this is where I imagine all the horrible things where she is the most important thing in his life and I am not. I am still struggling with this one even though I do not have any evidence to back it up. This one thought is a constant struggle for me.
4.) Black and white thinking – it is either her or me. If he cares for her, he cannot care for me – if he wants to be with her – he cannot want to be with me. This is another area of constant struggle for me. I cannot exist in the same world as everyone else.
5.) Emotional reasoning – I am a bad person and no one likes me.
What meaning am I giving this event for me to react this way?
I am giving this event way more attention than it needs to have. I have given it a meaning that dictates my value as a person and punishes my self worth. Any other day this would not have bothered me and I would have shrugged it off as being insignificant. Not to mention, there was a potluck today and more than enough free food to go around. I am searching for evidence to prove she is more valuable than I am, why? That is harmful. Am I trying to cushion myself for a blow that is not going to happen – that I only perceive in my mind. Am I trying to create a future so I will not be afraid of what might happen? Those are hard questions to look at. I am not displaying any other “end of the world” behaviors such as hoarding money or food. That does not make any sense to me. Why would I want to be homeless or unwanted? Why do I feel so undeserving of being loved? Even Hitler found someone to love him.
I am zooming in on evidence to prove my point. It is as if I need to be right no matter what the cost. That is messed up. This thought is not serving any purpose and is not doing me any good.
Now, where do I start
No comments:
Post a Comment