Getting down to the core

Today was very interesting, to say the least, while I was late for my appointment because my doctor went to an hourly schedule and I was unaware. If I knew, I didn't write it down. I can't do anything about it now. Isn't that what all this is about – learning to live in the NOW and not worry about the past or present. Today we worked on different strategies to get to the "Core beliefs." One of my problems is that I have a warped sense of what I believe to be true. This is not to say that a lot of people have a warped view of reality – most people do but mine is really irrational. I am working on deciphering between rational and irrational thoughts based on evidence gathered within my realm of thought. For example: let's say my boyfriend is sitting on the couch next to me and doesn't say anything – my mind might interpret that to mean he doesn't like me or doesn't want to be with me when in reality – he might just be interested in the show we are watching. By gathering evidence, I can determine my thought is irrational – Did he say anything bad to me? Did he say he didn't want to be with me? Is he sitting next to me instead of in front of his computer or playing video games? Based on the evidence I collect, I can determine that my thought is irrational and I shouldn't be thinking those thoughts.
Today we talked about these core beliefs and how to get to them. In my journal writing, I have been asking myself 4 questions to help sort out my thoughts and learn how to gather evidence for or against them. And those are:

• Is it true?
• Can I know it's true?
• How do I behave/react when I believe it's true
• How would I be without that thought?

As I have been documenting these thoughts and their validity, I have noticed that my core beliefs are rather superficial. They are things like "He wants to be with her more than me" or "He doesn't find me attractive." I have recognized these not as core beliefs but veils that cover the core belief. While these thoughts need to be addressed and dealt with, I was wondering how to get to the core belief that underlies them. The question that can help is "And that means what?" if you keep asking this question – you get deeper and deeper into the core belief and can deal with that instead of all the layers it likes to hide under.
Let's use the example above: "Because my boyfriend isn't talking to me right now, he doesn't want me" And that means what? "It means he doesn't find me interesting" And that means what? "I am not an interesting person" and that means what? "It means I am a horrible person that no one would want" Bingo! By peeling back the layers, I have discovered a deeper thought and can apply the four questions to this belief:
Core belief: I am a horrible person that no one would want"
Is it true? Yes – in my belief it is true
Can I know it's true? No, I don't know what everyone in the world is thinking and therefore I cannot speak for everyone on the planet at this time
How do I behave/react when I believe it's true? I am withdrawn, I am angry, I shut down, I avert eye contact, I don't reply when asked a question, I scoot away from my boyfriend and reject affection, I lash put inappropriately with anger and accusations, I leave the room. I avoid contact with people; I keep to myself most of the time. I try to stay away from social activities; I decline invitations to hang out.
How would I be without that thought? Enjoying more time with my friends, I would be going out more instead of staying in alone. I would engage my boyfriend in more social activities instead of avoiding them, I would be able to look for more opportunities to try new things, I would be able to smile more, and I would be able to enjoy my boyfriend's company even if we were just sitting quietly.
Now, because I have no evidence that can support this thought – I cannot believe it. I do not know that no one would want me. On the contrary, the fact that I have a boyfriend negates that because obviously he wants me or else he would choose to spend his time elsewhere that evening. If I am turning down social invitations, I am obviously getting them which means someone wants to hang out with me. With that thought clouding my judgment of the situation, all he is getting is the person described in the "How do I react" column. He is sitting next to a crazy chick that is now sullen, angry, scooting away from him, and rejecting his advances of affection and a general pain in the ass. And all he wanted was to sit and watch his show and then go out and get some food. He doesn't know why I am acting this way – the idea of him not wanting me or being a horrible person never entered his mind. It's all stemming from an irrational thought that no one would ever like me.
This is important because I know I need to deal with these core beliefs as the event that started all of this is a trigger. Something sparked and lit a fire under my ass that has been smoldering for a very long time. I realize I have to deal with the core issues before any healing can happen. Covering a hole in the wall with a pretty picture doesn't fix it – only going down to the hardware store and getting some plaster can fix it. Just like I can't fix the wounds by putting more and more band-aids on it – I have to peel back all of those used bandages and clean it out.
This week I am going to try this new strategy and see if I can unlock some of these deeper issues – what I am going to do with them – I have no idea but it's a start. If I can recognize some of the issues for what they truly are perhaps just the knowledge that they are there will help. As I continue to read the Urbanmonk.net site, I am amazed by the sense of peace that can be achieved by learning how to change thinking patterns. I don't want to suffer any longer but I can't just fix it with a snap of my fingers. How I wish I could but I can't. "Just stop" isn't working for me. These thoughts keep returning because I haven't dealt with the core problem and belief.