tuesday

So yesterday, when ken asked me when dinner was, i polietly said it wasnt my night and he didnt get mad, he was like "ok"...i did clean the kitchen a bit but i like doing that, so thats ok.

Today i get to see alex..yay! I miss her so it will be good to see her.

Overall, its been a pretty good week...he did say that he would limit his contact with her to every two weeks, which helps.i thanked him/for that...but he also throws in "until you get better"...now how is that incentive for me to get better? Sometimes he makes me wonder.

So over the next few weeks,i am going to procrastinate with dealing with all of this crap...and try to have some fun and enjoy myself.. cant be mad all the time,right?

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thursday again

Well..its thursday again...trying to keep it together...had a pretty good week and so im gonna keep my end of the bargain, its been nice hanging around with him.. i really do miss him

I dont know why i am so resistant..its kinda stupid when you think about it...silly really...but i dont want her around....drives me crazy when i thiink about it... i just want to feel safe and secure again like i used to...i hate not feeling safe...

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another week

Went to the therapist yesterday... had a break down...i guess itn is all making sense...i am the one with the problems...i do not see myself as worthy and only see myself as disposible. Its true,/i do. But i have never really had anyone who saw me as worthy - i was only good to them if i served a purpose and if i was not useful, then i wasno longer needed.

I guess that it is the reason why i am having such a problem with the pig's skank. I see her as serving a purpose and me being thrown to the wayside even if thats not true. She is nothing but it still scares me... not sure why...

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new plan

So, me and ken have decided to try something different. He is still seeing the skank and has resumed sleeping with her. We talked about what i need and how all of this is affecting our relationship.

We decided that he is going to message me more often and help around the house more. I am tired of being the sole person responsible for all of the cleaning. So thats going well - he has been helping and he fixed the dishwasher.

Tomorrow, we are supposed to go to the range and he is going to teach me how to shoot. Im scared but looking forward to it. I do want some outside activities we can do together instead of just sitting at the house or going to the store.. he also said we could do a late night one of these days..

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test

test

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Be a friend

I am willing to be a friend. In order to do this, I first need to reel in my emotional responses and learn how to listen. I took a class on active listening and I realized that I have not been listening to my partner – not really listening anyway. My own filters and fears have prevented me from being the girlfriend I want to be. I have learned that I do not have to voice every emotion I have and that waiting to see how things play out helps me see that my input leads to a bad reaction instead of what is there. I need to seriously work on rebuilding that trust with him so he can talk to me again. I am making a promise to never be a grave digger and rehash things from the past and use what he has told me as ammunition against him. I have to be honest and dependable with this vow and not go back on my word – even to myself.

Relationship definitions

This week I have been assigned to evaluate what a relationship means to me. We thought it might be best to come up with some sort of contract that puts down expectations on paper so that everyone knows what to expect and what is expected of them. this way there won't be any "I only said/did that because I felt pressured and now it's all different." This is one my my fears, that all of this is just to get me to where I don't give a damn and then all bets are off.