problems

Still have issues with inventing futures...I don't know why...now I am fixated that I am going to go home and catch him in bed with someone...how crazy is that?  And why is it in my head?  Why can't I just let it go already...I can't change anything...I am powerless over any of this shit but I just can't accept it....pisses me off

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another day...

well...everyone is pissed off at me...again....I was doing the dishes because I want to bake christmas cookies tomorrow...and I want to get the house clean for christmas and so I was cleaning the kitchen,j asked me to come sit down because I'm not feeling well and. I said I just wanted to get it started because I have a lot of stuff to do...now everyone is all in a tizzy and mad at me...nothing new...can't seem to do anything right....  I didn't even ask for help and I was planning on doing it all myself... but now I just get to feel guilty while everyone throws shit and ignores me... merry christmas

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none of my business

Its none of my business...if they want me to know, they will tell me...I will not ask any more questions....I will not be a nusance..just be quiet and not meddle in other peoples business...

Its not any of my business..if they want me to know, theywill tell me

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still sad

I wonder if I should offer to take the christmas presents back..he could have at least acknowledged my gift from this morning..I'm not messaging him...if he wants to talk to me...he can but I will probably never actually talk with him again...at least not about anything having to do with his life and I won't ask him questins about anything having to do with his life..not his day...not how he's feeling..nothing... not going to bother.... if he wants mee to know..ell tell me.... not going to pry..I'm obviously not an important part of his life....

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sorry

I'm sorry for who I am..I'm sorry I am not the person you want me to be...I'm sorry for ruining everything...I'm sorry I make you angry...I'm sorry I can't be better...I'm sorry I am crazy and stupid...I'm sorry I don't think before I act...I'm sorry I forget ishouldnt speak outloud...I'm sorrry I don't nod my head and blindly agree all the time...I'm sorry I'm me...I'm sorry I ask questions..I'm sorry I feel lonely...I'm sorry I'm alone all the time...I'm sorry I don't have anyone to talk to...I'm sorry I want that person to be you...I'm sorry I get uoset...I'm sorry I ruined tonight...I'm sorry I don't make you happy..I'm sorry I'm not good enough...I'm sorry I make you mad...I'm sorry I ruin all the nice things you do...I'm sorry I'm lost..I'm sorry I'm insecure...I'm sorry I break things....I'm sorry I am not good at anything...imsorry I'm broken...I'm sorryyou won't work on things with me because you I'm the only one with a problem...I'm sorry I can't do this all alone..I'm srry I'm not strong enough...I'm sorry I messed things up...sorry I'm not important...I'm sorry ill never be good enugh..I'm sorry I won't ever learn to be silent.sorry I will never learn to be perfect...imsorry ill never be her...i m sorry I'm trying so hard to get you to notice me..I'm sorry for being me

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a smile

Its funny how something small can brighten your day and make you smile...I got cotton candy :)

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blah

Still not enlightened...still not happy...I think I am supposed to be miserable....

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temptation

Yeah...i got two..one for this afternoon!

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starving

I dont know why but i am starving this morning and craving a burrito so i ordered one from the cafe. Hopefully its good...i shouldnt be hungry but i am starving. I am so far away from the cafe maybe i should have ordered two...lol

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move at work

Moved buildings at work...so distracted now because everyone is new and i have never sat over here before. Its not so bad.

Went camping over the weekend and it was fun! I really had a good time. Didnt even mind being dirty. K even got up to help me with the fire when i got up earlier than everyone else. He said that he could hear my frustration and came out to help. How sweet was that?

Had a chat with dr. M about these feelings i am having about k b eing nice to me. I dont understand why i cant just be happy with him being nice to me. I dont understand why i feel like he is holdig something from me and he is only being nice to me to soften the blow. I dont have any reason to think these thoughts. She said that until i have evidence to not worry about it and thats true, i shouldnt.

More later

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grrr

Why do people always feel the need to correct me? Kinda pisses me off because im smart. I do happen to know things too...not everything i say is bullshit. Makes me just want to stop talking altogether.

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horrible person

Yesterday, i took out all of my aggression and frustration out on an innocent person without questioning beforehand. Now i feel embarrassed and alone. I really messed up. I think i really might be crazy because i jumped to the wrong conclusion without hesitation.

I have to admit though, i do feel less stressed since i got some of it out. It just needed an outlet and i needed to yell. But now that i know i made a mistake, i just feel really bad. I have to make it up to this person. She says not to worry and she would have probably done the same thing given the same circumstances but that doesnt make me feel any better.

I think i am going to go home early today. I just dont feel like doing this today..i want to crawl under the covers and hide from the world. I think i will try to do a little work this morning...more later

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work

It seems like it is all i do anymore...took some time off but now its back to the grind...on the phones today, its not so bad if my coworkers would just be quiet...wish i could just be alone...two of my coworkers were let go because they threatened each other...sucks...will miss one and not the other.. not sure if this week will be the week he goes to be with her...i cant stand this waiting bullshit...wondering and worrying,.,blah....drives me insane...going to call dr to make appt....

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